*This is the story of how* *I had the best sex of my life. This night stands out as a very defining moment in my life overall, not just my sex life. It involves cheating on my abusive ex. Unfortunately those of you who read my stories may be disappointed – this isn’t kinky fun, it’s pretty vanilla for me, but vanilla is a complex flavor, so give it a chance. This happened many years ago, exactly this time of year – shortly before my 20th birthday. This might be more of a confession than a “gone wild” story.. sorry, next one will be better, I promise I have more..*

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**Background on my relationship:**

I had been dating my abusive ex since around Halloween of my freshman year. He was the first person I had sex with in college, surprisingly. Prior to him, the men I chose to be around were all , in their own way, obviously toxic. This one seemed good on paper – great in school, very smart, had an idea of where he was going in life after school, stable family life, and he was very obviously into me. Something was off right from the beginning – I felt no chemistry. He constantly shamed me for my past and told I was lucky to have him, and I believed him. He told me I couldn’t handle school without him, made me sleep in his room nearly every night because he didn’t trust me (my fault because of my past , his words not mine), and he alienated me from all male friends except the two he was also friends with. Later, he tried to cut them out too, especially the one I was closest to. He read through my phone often, asked who was texting me , logged into my Facebook account, and even started asking if my female friends that texted me were really guys. under a different name. At one point, he even tried to eliminate my female friends because they were “making me stupid”. This stuff all started so slowly and gradually that I had no idea it was happening until it was too late, and at that point he had me partially convinced that I was definitely damaged goods and lucky to have him. The physical abuse started around the time sophomore year started. He never hit me, but he pushed me a couple of times and his excuse was it was just his reaction to things I did… a “natural response”. Once he pushed me off a bed. The next thing he did was throw a book at me that barely missed my head (a THICK hardcover textbook). Eventually, this escalated to him slamming me into a wall and raising his fist up to hit me but he didn’t do t… but this isn’t relevant to the story because it happened after. Anyway, our sex life was awful. He wanted it when he wanted it and how he wanted it. One time he insisted on doing it when I was so upset with something I was crying, and he kind of forced it a bit. Then he was upset because it didn’t make me feel better . I honestly never wanted him to touch me anymore. I can’t really get into why I stayed and how abuse works. Some people get it, others don’t. I am not a psychiatrist though so I’m not going to explain, I”m just telling it like it is for my situation. I was always a very sexual person until being with him, and I thought my entire sex drive disappeared. I thought I changed and just didn’t enjoy it like I used to , and no matter who it was with it would be the same (spoiler -I was wrong).

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**How things began:**

I met Brad freshman year when he dated the girl across the hall from me (who didn’t like me for the stupidest reason). He always said hi to me and was friendly, and he was in a class with me that I constantly skipped, but we would occasionally have a sentence or two of conversation about it. I’m not sure who was more displeased about this – his (now ex) girlfriend or my (now ex) boyfriend. My ex hated him for no reason .. he made something up that I thought was stupid anyway, but the truth is he didn’t like him saying hi to me once a month .

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Sophomore year, he was in another class with me.. one I would rarely miss. We sat next to each other purely by chance, and my ex was pissed when he saw this. He used to meet. me right outside the classroom to walk to our next class, and he would come early to watch us through the window. It was insane.. and to make matters worse, he asked me to switch seats. I refused – I told him I liked where I sat and the only other seats open in the room were way in the back too far for me to see the board . This became a constant argument for weeks. Meanwhile, Brad and I became closer , and our friendship actually did turn flirty. I didn’t even notice it happening – I hadn’t flirted with anyone in a year, and since I was voted class flirt in high school, that’s saying a lot. At one point, Brad and I exchanged phone numbers so that I could help him with our class . He knew my boyfriend would have been pissed, but he begged because he really needed help. He said we could meet in a public places, and he promised me a coffee from our campus Starbucks (the true way to my heart).

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**The night of:**

My ex was supposed to help me with my homework for a class I hated and he was good at . He wasn’t in my class, but he had taken it already. I was terrible at it and never went to class (long irrelevant story), and the homework was graded. My ex gets a text right when we are about to start that his friends were playing video games in one of their rooms, and he decided to go there. Note – I did not know what building his friends lived in. He told me he needs “me time” and I was smothering him, so he had to go to be with his friends. “I’m not doing your homework for you.” Those were the words he said to me .. even though I never asked him to DO the homework, just help. He was pissed at me when he left, and I stayed there to work on the homework myself, quite unsuccessfully I should add. I was so sick of it and not making much progress, when my incredibly poor luck gets even worse. The fire alarm goes off, and it’s not a drill.. someone PULLED IT. When I got outside, I found out it wasn’t a drill, which means that they had to thoroughly examine the building and we would be outside forever. That year we had a very cool September, and it was dark out so I was pretty cold. I was in my pajama shorts, a thin cami, and my old high school cheer sweatshirt, and flip flops. I had only left with my wristlet that held my room key, student ID, and chapstick. I was alienated from just about everyone, and the friends I did manage to keep were commuters (and my roommate who wasn’t around) I had no where to go, except maybe to the student center or library by myself , but that was a pretty decent walk from my building. While I was standing there shivering in the crowd of residents from my building, I see a familiar face walking by. It was Brad, and he was on his way back to his room after just getting dinner, and he didn’t live in the same building as me. I stopped to chat with him a bit, but after a few sentences, I started getting paranoid and looking around. I was honestly terrified my ex would know. He asked if I was okay, and I just shook my head and looked around before suggesting we hurry up and go down steps that lead to a commuter parking lot, then halfway down another set of steps in the back of that lot that led to a back road and some train tracks. No one was going to see us there , so we sat on the steps to talk. This is the first time I confessed my relationship issues. I vented for 20 minutes and let everything out , shaking the whole time, and not just because of the cold. I was relieved, yet scared of getting caught, and cold, but I just didn’t care anymore. I needed to talk. After a while, he saw the shivering and said we should go to his room and warm up, and asked if I could help him with class and we could talk more too. His roommate wasn’t around.

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We went back to his room (taking the back stairs so I wasn’t seen), and this whole time I never mentioned where my boyfriend was. When we got to the room, I heard a loud bunch of people in the room across the hall and one down, and a voice was very familiar.. my boyfriend. It turns out, that’s were the friends lived. Brad hadn’t been back to his room in hours to know he was there, and I hadn’t mentioned who he was with. The room was right there, but I didn’t have to pass it to get to Brad’s room. I had made it in undetected and shut the door, knowing I was in trouble if was still there when I needed to leave. At that moment , I felt safer in that room than anywhere else. My heart as racing, adrenaline was pumping, and I thought my head was about to float away from my body. I started helping him with class, then when we were done, we still had the situation across the hall. We decided to talk for a bit, then watch TV, and all this time my ex was across the hall, and I felt safer in the room. Brad kept checking through the door to see what was going on, and we kept our voices down. We were so afraid of me being caught. We ended up laying on the bed together with his arm around me, trying to calm my racing heart. I knew it was time to leave, but when I checked the door again, I could tell their door was still open. I was stuck, and Brad said I could stay with him if I wanted, or he would help me get to my room without getting caught.. but I wanted to stay. It felt like the right choice, and when I told him he picked me up and carried me back to his bed, and at this point my stomach was about to jump out though my throat. It was the most intense feeling of my life. My skin was on fire, and every touch felt like an electric shock through my body. Every touch to any part of my body felt sexual. I could feel the tension between us with every breath I took.

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**The good stuff:**

Brad put me down on his bed and told me I needed a massage because I was so tense. He wanted me to feel better, and he told me I was safe with him. I knew it was true, and I laid face down on his bed as he started to massage my body starting at my scalp, My sweatshirt was in the way, so I took it off, leaving only my thin spaghetti strap cami and short pajama shorts as my only clothing. I wasn’t wearing a bra- the cami had a thin built-in shelf bra, and thin cotton boy shorts were under my pajamas. I wasn’t leaving much to the imagination during this massage, and I felt completely okay with that. During this massage, every single feeling of sexual desire I hadn’t felt in a year came rushing back all at once and hit me like a ton of bricks. Every feeling of pleasure you can get from a normal massage was intensified. It felt like sex to just be touched on my head, or shoulder, or back.. anywhere. I never felt anything quite like this in my life, and haven’t felt it exactly the same since. If this feeling could be bottled and sold, everyone would be addicted. He massaged my scalp to my feet, taking his time with every inch, putting in effort to make me feel better, cmdm paying special attention to the areas where he felt my tension. Then, he asked me to flip over to massage my front half. This time, he went from the bottom up, carefully avoiding areas that would be outright sexual. I had heard the expression “tension so thick you could cut it with a knife” before, but this is the night I really got it. I could see the tension in the air – I swear I thought I saw. a haze. By the time brad reached my shoulders after the front massage, I found myself holding my breath and hoping he may graze the areas he was carefully avoiding. I wanted him to touch me. For the first time in so long, I wanted to be touched everywhere. He didn’t cross that line yet though, instead he started slowly by pushing down my spaghetti straps without exposing anything, but still fully bearing my shoulders. He slowly buried his face into my neck and kissed from my collar bone up to my face, the the other side.. lightly breathing on my each time. I wasn’t going to stop him. I don’t know how I was still keeping my composure at this point. When he reached my face for the second time, I thought for a minute he would go back to the other side and do it again, but instead he held his position for a second , a mere 2 inches from my lips, and I held my eyes steady on his. He took this as a go-ahead, and slowly kissed me, softly. This wasn’t crazy, raw, animalistic. It was the opposite – slow, deliberate, and passionate in its own way. I melted in that moment, kissing back. I felt everything you would normally feel at the beginning of a sexual encounter involving a lot of tension… except it was all 100x more powerful.

From there, he slowly undressed me, and over the course of what seemed like forever, we managed to get naked. He kissed my whole body, taking each nipple in his mouth and slowly flicking his tongue across them.. In that moment all my issues were forgotten, and I was his. He did ask me if I was okay. but I was most definitely more than okay, and I let him know. By the time he entered me , I felt sensations all the way down in my toes and in my fingertips. He was average size, and it was standard missionary sex, but it felt anything but vanilla. We ended up putting my legs over his shoulders while he intensely fucked me and we locked. eyes in the dark. The most accurate words I have ever used to describe this feeling are “sex on a morphine high”. I remember what it felt like in the hospital on a morphine IV, thinking my head was floating above my body and everything was tingly. All my movements felt exaggerated, and there was this weird hazy quality the air. Also, the pain wasn’t gone, but it was pushed aside and forgotten about for the time being. That’s what I felt having sex with Brad .. but add in the feeling of sex but intensified. That was also the night I came from penetration alone with no help from my / his hands. And it happened quickly, and then again..and again.

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Our sex session went on for hours until I feel asleep in his arms, alarm set for 5:45 am; I thought this was the perfect time. It was too early for the early study crowd to be wandering around, and too late for the up all nighters. There would be very few people wandering around campus, and I was right. The room across the hall was closed when I bolted out of Brad’s room and down the back stairwell. I hurried up my building’s back stairwell to my 4th floor room and got back in bed with my heart racing. I was 99.9% sure NO ONE saw me. Next thing I knew, my ex was knocking at my door. I was back all of 15 minutes. Turns out, he had never gone to bed. He was up all night playing video games and just left his friend’s room, stopped at his room to change, and then went to my room. I asked what time he left – 5:45 he said.. same time my alarm went off. I was out of that room before 6…we missed each other by 5 -10 minutes max. Brad and I did hook up 2 more times, and they were almost as intense as the first but not quite. I don’t think I will ever experience anything just like that first night again. Unfortunately, he broke it off the day before my 20th birthday and got back with his ex (that lived across the hall from me freshman year), then he dropped the class we had together and transferred schools the next semester (no this had nothing to do with me). The girlfriend and him didn’t last too long after that, but at some point he must have confessed what happened with us ti her . She became friends with my ex during our junior year and she told him. He confronted me and I denied it because he doesn’t deserve the truth after how he treated me ..I know this may be an unpopular opinion, but that doesn’t;t bother me. He never found out for sure what happened, and that’s fine with me.

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This story was originally published here

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